You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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