so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
