Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
