I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
