I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
