Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
