you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
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And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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