I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
