the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
