Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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