My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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