I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
