dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
