a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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