My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
