he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
