The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
