He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
