On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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