My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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