yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
