put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
