guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
