The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
