Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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