my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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