I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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