I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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