i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
