Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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