i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
