I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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