I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
