I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
