honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
