Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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