how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
