I didn't shave. On purpose
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
