She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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