so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
