Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
