he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
