Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
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I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
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In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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