I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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