there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
