I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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