So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
