I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
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Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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