My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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