I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
