You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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