I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
