I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
