Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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