but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize