Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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