i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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