my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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