i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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