FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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