Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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